Nov 24, 2002 | Dollars & Crosses
MONTGOMERY, Alabama--Last Monday, US District Judge Myron Thompson ruled that the placement of a Ten Commandments monument in the Alabama state Supreme Court building violated the First Amendment provision against government establishment of religion.The monument was originally installed by Chief Injustice Roy Moore, who blamed federal court rulings such as those against prayer in public schools for a nation-wide moral decline over the past 50 years. Yup, those trendsetters in the Supreme Court; if it weren't for them we'd all be Jerry Falwell. Eew.
Moore was given 30 days to remove the 5,300-pound slab of rock at his own expense, which hopefully will be quite high.
But cross-lovers from the Christian Coalition warned that Judge Thompson's ruling would "seriously erode our religious freedoms, the acknowledgement of God, and the moral foundation of our law." What they meant was that his ruling would seriously erode their ability to establish a theocracy, inculcate schoolchildren, and rewrite history. Isn't one of the Ten Commandments, "Thou shalt not bear false witness," or something like that?
At least the Muslims are blatant about wanting to rule the world. They'd have killed hundreds of people over this already. Or perhaps violence is what Coalition Director John Giles was alluding to when he said that there was likely to be a "national uprising."
Bring it on, Johnny-boy.
Nov 24, 2002 | Dollars & Crosses
LAGOS, Nigeria--On Thursday, Nigerian Muslims violently condemned the Miss World pageant scheduled for 7 December in Nigeria's capital city, Abuja. The pageant, they claim, promotes sexual promiscuity and indecency, and Allah isn't into that. "Down with beauty," they chanted. Ugly old Allah would prefer a good riot any day.And riot they did.
Mobs of angry Muslims took to the streets shouting, "God is great." To prove it, they stabbed, beat, and set fire to random passers-by, burned churches and offices, and rampaged through the city. In all, over 200 people were killed and another 200 injured. "Miss World is sin," they reminded onlookers.
The outrage began when a Kaduna newspaper published an article questioning the validity of Miss World criticism. "What would Muhammad think? In all honesty, he would probably have chosen a wife from among them [the contestants]," wrote reporter Isioma Daniel.
But Mr. Daniel, Muhammad didn't think.
Fortunately, Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo was able to clearly identify the root cause of the rioting. "The beauty queens should not feel that they are the cause of this violence," he said. "It could happen at any time irresponsible journalism is committed against Islam."
Daniel and his editor have since been arrested, but Muhammad is still on the loose.
Sources close to Allah suggest that he is just upset because Miss Israel is a dish.
Nov 23, 2002 | Dollars & Crosses
New York--A herd of fat kids have filed a class-action lawsuit against McDonald's, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Wendy's restaurants, blaming the companies for a nationwide epidemic of obesity. One plaintiff, after mistakenly dropping his volition down a New York drainage grate, was overcome by the uncontrollable urge to eat all of his meals at McDonald's everyday for three years in a row.The suit claims that the plaintiffs "purchased and consumed the Defendant's products and as a result thereof, have become obese, overweight, developed diabetes, coronary heart disease, high blood pressure, elevated cholesterol levels, and/or other detrimental and adverse health effects and/or diseases." It contains several pages of obesity statistics for the United States, as well as a section titled "Socio-Economic Ramifications" (of people stuffing their faces like pigs).
At the (clogged) heart of the suit is the complaint that McDonalds "failed to warn and/or adequately warn" that gorging on grease-soaked french-fries and corn-syrup/yellow dye #6 shakes might not be the healthiest thing to do every day for three years.
It looks as though McDonald's food is almost as dangerous as its coffee. Who would have thought? Grimace seems to like it and, aside from being purple, he looks healthy.
Nov 21, 2002 | Dollars & Crosses
Washington--In a recent interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, US Secretary of State Colin Powell defended the targeted killing of al-Qaeda operatives in Yemen as a morally justified act of self-defense. "This was a case of clearly somebody in a direct conflict with the United States," Powell explained. True enough.But Mr. Blitzer was understandably confused by Powell's response. "What's the difference between that targeted killing and the targeted killings the Israelis engage in--which the State Department has criticized?" Powell's answer: Blank-out.
"But what you're saying," Blitzer continued, "is the Israelis should stop doing what they did, but the US, theoretically, can continue?" Yup. That's what he's saying alright, Wolf. One would think that after years of interviewing politicians Mr. Blitzer would stop expecting principled behavior from unprincipled people, but it's an admirable mistake.
"We will do what we have to do to defend ourselves with respect to terrorist activities," Powell added. So would the Israelis, General...if you'd let them.
Nov 20, 2002 | Dollars & Crosses
WASHINGTON--During an interview with Larry King last week, former President Jimmy Carter single-handedly solved the problem of terrorism against the West: all we have to do is to surrender. What could be simpler than that?The (thankfully) former President explained that the US should not force despotic, murderous, countries such as North Korea and Iraq to abandon their weapons of mass destruction. Instead, argued Carter, "the major powers need to set an example" by disarming themselves first. As it turns out, if the Allies had only set the right "example" for Adolf Hitler, most of World War II could have been averted--which would have been good news for those of you who like sauerkraut and bratwurst. Unfortunately, Carter was too young to serve as President at the time.
The has-been President also criticized the United States for keeping too much of it's taxpayers money to itself, instead of giving it away to poor terrorist-breeding countries like Europe does.
Although the Nobel committee currently offers no official prize for "appeasement of murderous thugs," it will award Carter the "Peace" prize on 10 December at a ceremony in Oslo.
Nov 20, 2002 | Dollars & Crosses
BBC News--Jealous of the popularity enjoyed by films like Harry Potter, James Bond, and Lord of the Rings, mediocre film producer Leslee Udwin demanded that the British government force cinemas to show movies that people don't want to see, such as her new film, The One and Only.The resentful producer criticized the success of blockbuster films that theatres gladly show instead of "Leslee Udwin" features. "They have voraciously eaten up all our screens," she complained using a revealing choice of personal pronouns.
"There should be quotas to protect films for sure," she added. Although she did not specify what she would like to protect her films from, "sucking" would probably be a fair assumption. The current quota for Leslee Udwin films is appropriately set at zero.
Speaking only for herself, Ms. Udwin also whined that film producers don't make enough money. She then suggested that violence should be used to beat more money out of theatre owners. "The government should be legislating against that and ensuring producers get a fair crack of the whip," she said.
In the near future, Udwin is expected to submit a condensed version of her case to the Department for Culture, Media and Sport: "You've got to make people like me. Why won't they like me? The miserable bastards!"
