BBC News–Jealous of the popularity enjoyed by films like Harry Potter, James Bond, and Lord of the Rings, mediocre film producer Leslee Udwin demanded that the British government force cinemas to show movies that people don’t want to see, such as her new film, The One and Only.

The resentful producer criticized the success of blockbuster films that theatres gladly show instead of “Leslee Udwin” features.  “They have voraciously eaten up all our screens,” she complained using a revealing choice of personal pronouns.

“There should be quotas to protect films for sure,” she added.  Although she did not specify what she would like to protect her films from, “sucking” would probably be a fair assumption.  The current quota for Leslee Udwin films is appropriately set at zero.

Speaking only for herself, Ms. Udwin also whined that film producers don’t make enough money.  She then suggested that violence should be used to beat more money out of theatre owners.  “The government should be legislating against that and ensuring producers get a fair crack of the whip,” she said.

In the near future, Udwin is expected to submit a condensed version of her case to the Department for Culture, Media and Sport:  “You’ve got to make people like me.  Why won’t they like me? The miserable bastards!”

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