Decision 2004: The Mystic vs. the Ape

Contrary to popular belief, last night's presidential debate made perfectly clear the nature of the choice Americans will have when they enter the voting booth on November 2nd. President Bush flaunted the mentality of a Medieval mystic by announcing that his method of dealing with reality was to make ritualistic incantations to invisible spirits. When asked, "What part does your faith play on policy decisions," Bush proudly admitted: "First, my faith plays a lot -- a big part in my life... I pray a lot." He then proceeded to enumerate his wish list: "I pray for strength. I pray for wisdom. I pray for our troops in harm's way. I pray for my family. I pray for my little girls." And, sources say, he wants Santa to bring him a pony because he's been a really good boy this year.

Senator Kerry was even less civilized. Despite his comparative eloquence, Kerry mistakenly revealed a horrifyingly stunted, pre-conceptual mentality reminiscent of Cro-Magnon. While criticizing Bush for somehow causing a "partisan" divide in congress, Kerry declared: "I've never seen such ideological squabbles in the Congress of the United States." Ideological squabbles? A "squabble" is a disagreement over petty, insignificant details. An ideology is an (hopefully) integrated system of ideas about human life, society and politics. There is no greater, more significant disagreement possible between two men than a disagreement over ideas, and only a mind completely devoid of any ideas whatsoever would think to call it a "squabble."

So, while the quality of the final presidential "debate" was embarrassing, at least Americans were left with a clear choice: on one side is a man dumb enough to fight against religious zeal for "Allah" with religious zeal for "God," and on the other side, well...there isn't even a man.